writers block

I’m at a lost for words
because I’m at a lost in life.

I don’t know wether I’m flying or sinking
wether I’m dreaming or thinking

I’m running full speed in the clouds
but on the ground I’m stagnant
My soul screaming out loud
but my mouth stays silent

But I’m letting you mold me,
You are the author, you wrote my story
I’m just waiting for the plot to unfold before me
I’m leaping, I’m falling, trusting you to hold me

You found me damaged, because the world destroyed me
But you took my broken story and rewrote it; you restored me

I’m at a lost for words
because I’m at a lost in life.

But Your words give me worth
and your light give me life.

Mirror Mirror

I know I messed up
and I know I’m messed up

I’ve made mistakes over and over again and I’ve confessed them
  tossed and turned wondering if I’m loved less and
if my actions were mistakes or if they were predestined
      but freewill means its my shame it only makes sense and
        I know I’m just trying to throw the blame to escape the skeletons and
          I say “yeah, yeah, God don’t worry I’ve already learned my lessons“

but then God replies “Pride comes before the fall
so sit down let me teach you, class is in session.
Be still be quiet and actually listen
I made you and already knew you would never reach perfection
but I loved the kinks and quirks that made you a part of my collection
  you are beautiful despite your flaws your mistakes no matter the situation
and I am proud of who you are becoming but PLEASE come to the realization
that I’m not what your used to, I feel your fear and contemplation
you don’t want to let go of what you know but I know you’re hurting,
stop the hesitation.
just let go, let your self fall, have faith, I’ve been waiting to be your salvation
and I’ve always been around, I find it silly that you always doubt my location..
saying ‘God where are you? I want to feel you near’
but Michi, baby girl, this whole time I’ve always been right here”

And growing up in church… I knew all of this.
but knowing something by memory is so much different than truly understanding
and I became so much less than I had imagined
cause I couldn’t get over being abandoned
traded trust for lust and my mistakes left me stagnant

       and I knew what I was doing, I knew it was wrong
but I still did it cause my flesh was strong
                 and my spirit was weak you see,

how can you love someone like me?

I’m tainted and broken
and I’m so far from perfect
I’m luke warm, repulsive
             God I’m not worth it.

but God replies,
“I forgive you, don’t worry, I know you’re hurting.
Your heart aches cause of your faith
keep it up your learning
just keep fighting keep searching
cause your slowly turning
away from the old, the dark
I feel a fire burning

and “I forgive you, I forgive you” I can shout it from the heavens to the earth, across the universe as well
but the real question is not wether I forgive you

but if you forgive yourself. “

Basic

I am so insignificant 
one in a million
      But not any different

I’m a grain of sand

On your beautiful beach

I’m a guppy in your vast sea

I want more

I thirst for something greater

And the anticipation is killing me

And I want it now not later

But they say good things come to those that wait

But I feel the dark settling and I’m afraid 

Because time waits for no one and I’m stuck in this phase

And I am so insignificant

But you know me by name 

I am so insignificant 

But you showed me grace 

So it’s not so much the patience but more of the faith

you carried my pain

And you’re name is great

I am so insignificant

But with you

I can make a change.

Defibrillator

Someone save me
I just want to be able to breathe

The weight I have to drag with me, doesn’t get any lighter
but I’ve found some distractions to make me feel lighter
somehow escape the pain for a little but then it gets tighter 
knowing I’m in the dark but pretending that its brighter

Caught in this haze daze of a maze I’m amazed I’m not insane
but who really knows the sane from the insane;

they say insane is doing the same thing over
and over again but expecting different results;
and yeah the fog brings me higher after every hit
but drops me harder when the smoke settles.

Denial is something I was always a friend of
reputation always held my defense up
“be cool, be cool” don’t ever tense up
Flesh whispering in my ear not to mess up or fess up

low key this
and low key that
“down for anything”
makes me the coolest cat
or so I thought
but with all the pretending
with all the masks
I somehow misplaced
the things I want back

my identity
I’m foreign to myself; the one person i thought I knew
my dignity
the things about me that helped me make it through
my sanity
reminding me that I myself choose to do the things I do
my serenity
knowing Im at peace, with nothing but the truth

so I’ll exchange my hit for something that brings me higher
something that won’t let my feet touch ground something that isn’t a liar
cause false happiness is false hope and the fakeness is absurd.
I’ll hand you this blunt, and I’ll take the word
’cause I want something out of this world, past the skies, out of this galaxy
I’m reaching for the greatest so I can be who you want me to be

I want to be so high that people start to notice

flare in the dark that draws peoples focus

making people wonder how happiness is achieved

so I can tell them

“someone saved me,
and now I’m able to breathe”

Technical

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

I would be lying if I said that it

didn’t bother me

Cause we all know it did

And I know I’m grown

But I still feel like a kid

And the scars have healed over

But the memories still

Linger and reverberate

They Haunt me at will

Day dreams nightmares

Oh, If thoughts could kill

I’d be a danger to humanity

Straight insanity

and ONE scene replays over and over and over

A close rendition to the definition of torture

I’m running, I’m gasping, I’m reaching, but taken down by force

I want to look away, but I stay, I can’t take this any more

Watching my memories resurface,

Things start out blurry but slowly come into focus

It’s like watching a movie that has already been seen

I know the lines, the plot and what’s happening

But it never fails to get me every single time,

Air leaves my lungs tears fill my eyes

As I beg my brain and my heart to let me loose

Cause the scene I hate the most is coming up soon

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

You and I both never really could make it

But for some odd reason I always expected.

I held a false perception cause I couldn’t take the truth

Pre-game thoughts and jitters as I laced up my shoes

Random glances at the stands always hoping I’d see you

Where expectation left the stage

And disappointment never missed it’s cue.

I remember every game I would think “this is gonna be the one”

Where he shows up and I hear him cheering me on

And no matter what the score was I’d feel like I won

Cause lets be real, thats all kids really want

is to make their parents proud, and to feel like they’re worth something

I’d play my heart out and make a million steals just to make your trip worth coming

But I never really got the chance

Cause you never made it to the stands

And yeah I love my siblings and especially my mom

But you always said,  that you were my biggest fan.

---

And like you would always tell me

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Once God helped me back on my feet

all I could do was conquer

So yeah I still love you dad even if the memories sometimes bother

God got your back he let me call him father.

And he’s teaching me to forgive and forget.

I got the forgive down it’s just hard to forget

But don’t worry Were all working on it

And I still hope and pray for the day where we both don’t miss

Bounce bounce dribble shoot swish

Bounce bounce dribble shoot swish

Brawl.

“I don’t like playing games “

It’s something we all say

Yet we all choose a level

pick our weapons and a place

Cause “no nonsense”doesn’t really exist

And drama to us humans is a love, hate relationship

Boots strapped, armor on, and we keep a mean game face

But we still say that we don’t like “playing games”

while we build our walls higher and higher

Getting all the upgrades

‘Cause no one in this world really is safe

Cause morals and values

Have lost it’s value

And our words aren’t used for what needs to be said

used for low blows, smoke bombs, grenades instead.

And wrong is more expected than right

because the world just isn’t right.

Innocent until proven guilty,

more like guilty until proven innocent

’cause more often than not we choose the path not so magnificent

Never thinking about the “WE” ’cause we’re wired to only think about the “I”

Just think about it, no one ever teaches a baby to lie

Cause were all born with wrong intentions

reflections filled with deception

And the truth is easier to teach but harder to tell

Cause us humans know how to show the good and hide all the bad so well

“I don’t like playing games“

Ha … “I don’t like playing games”

But if you really think about it our species loves to compete

 from the clothes we wear to the amount of food we can eat

From the amount of likes we get

And amount of retweets

From the hair on our head

To the shoes on our feet

Let’s trace it back to Adam and Eve

When they ate the fruit from the tree

And why? Cause even back then we mixed up wants and needs

Wanting to get on God’s level instead of being content and happy

And don’t forget Cain and able who always fought

 Cain killed his own blood to be on top

Don’t hate the player hate the game

Isn’t that another thing they all say

We’re making our world turn in ways it doesn’t spin

And at the end of the day nobody really wins

Were at war with ourselves as well as with everyone else

While really… were all on the same team

Fighting the big boss, the man, the big brother called “Society”

Cause they’ve infiltrated the waves with their philosophies

telling us who and what we have to be

And what we want and what we need

 we’re all like animals coming to feed

From the radio, our phones, and our tv

From the famous ones, our friends, and our computer screen

Cause the hardest thing in life is for you to be you and me to be me

Being 1 in a million yet still having individuality

Helmet tightened, bullet proof vest

Cause only the strongest will out fight the rest

And going against the flow

Just expect hits and blows

Society has allied with the biggest of foes

So say it as much as you need,

“I don’t like playing games“

Say it however you please

“I don’t like playing games“

but guard your heart, buckle your knees

‘Cause the enemy is real

So lace up and grab your shield

’cause no matter who or what you’re fighting

life has become a battlefield.

GoodWill

I have a mind of hope you see

And it will either be the life or the death of me

Cause I like a challenge

But I have a huge fear for failure

I’m hurt by rejection

But the reward is worth the endure

And I can’t help that I find hope

In the most barren places

And in the most bitter people

With only the most mysterious  faces

My heart  is attracted to damaged goods

The misfits the depressed and the misunderstood

I want to help you find your place in this world

I was always a fixer upper kind of girl

from my car to my clothes I always like to try to create

low key artist, it’s one of my trades

My soul connects with pain

I want to know what makes you sane and insane

I want to know how the wheels turn in your brain

I want to know why certain decisions are made

And at the end of the day I just want us to grow

My dad always said it’s about the books you read and the people you know

And I’m not talking about romance or boy friends

That’s a whole other piece that really has no ends

I’m talking about those people that somehow stroll into my life,

the ones that God used fate to somehow make our paths align

I’m talking about the role models and people I look up to

I admire the struggle and imperfections that’s make you you.

I’m talking about the friends I’ve made and are still to be friended

Let me help you help me the cycle is endless

All I honestly want is something REAL

Our world is filled with so much fake

That we often forget how real feels

And trying to tell the difference is the challenge now a days

To personality, intentions, and even a pretty face

And my bruises warn me to play it safe

But my human nature takes different ways

Cause I have a soft spot for the ones that have been pushed away

Who cares if I get hurt? Forgive and forget; my middle name is Grace.

why? you may ask…. sometimes i don’t even have a clue

why I give people chances even when I know they won’t come thru

why I give people the opportunity to make me look dumb

Why I believe in the people that everyone else has given up on

But then I remember how it feels to be alone

 the waiting and hoping for someone to hit up my phone

the silence and shadows that always seemed to follow

cause reality isn’t always so easy to swallow

I found myself finding comfort in the dark corners of my mind

and this is when pain became a dear friend of mine

hid my anger, my sadness, my despair behind my smile

cause I knew I wasn’t worth anybody’s time

---

Or so i thought….

 He showed me otherwise.

He pulled at my hands told me to open my eyes

He said get up, and pushed me to try

I had forgotten how to walk but just like that we were running side by side

He showed me true beauty from the stars to the skies

reminded me that He died for MY life.

He picked me up and held me high

He said “Michi, you are loved and you are mine.”

Fear The Beard

Fear; an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Its crazy that what gets to us is what we let get
The seen and unseen the stories we don’t forget
The things we’ve done and the things that we have yet

Fear; even with definition it’s hard to understand this
but this is how I think of it, the boogieman still exists…
But he’s relocated from underneath my bed
to the crevices of the Golgi inside of my head
planting seeds of doubt, seeds of despair,
seeds of worry, seeds that wear and tear
on the strings of my heart they play me like a puppet,
not reaching not risking I’m scared straight I’m stagnant

It follows every move I make it surrounds me
crawling into my thinking space like a venom slowly but fastly
and the bigger I let it get the less control I have and
Peter Parker and Spiderman even needed a hand

 Darkness; pitch black, silence, bring out the ghosts
From the past the present, future, and the unknown

I am my own monster
I invented the fear
that I now must conquer

It’s all in my mind, fear is a paradox
I am trapped in a cage that has the door unlocked
All I need to do is stand up and get out
God please protect me right now
’cause my mind is my poison and you’re the antidote
Give me peace calm emotions I cant do it alone

 The disciples trembled mid storm for their life
Esther was threatened by the man on the kings right
Daniel was so scared his knees were knocking side to side
David was challenged by someone 4x his height

But…..

David took 3 rocks and slayed goliath
Daniel threw a slumber party with the lions
Peter walked on water in a raging storm eyes held high
Esther saved a whole nation of people by risking her life
And lets not forget the fear conquered by your son Jesus Christ

Fear; an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Fear; an emotion that evidence shows can be taken away and erased by the Almighty God, give them to him and he’ll take care of it.