Agape

I didn’t like the word love

And I won’t say I never did cause they say never say never
And I do remember there was a day when I ate, drank, breathed every fairytale ever
And it was clear to be seen in every underlying theme
That love was the answer and love was the key
Love Stitched any wound no matter how deep
Love kissed every princess from China to Greece
leaped mountains on land and swam thru the seas
And there wasn’t a problem too wide or too tall that love couldn’t solve
Cause love was strong love held on
Love conquered all

But I didn’t like the word love
Call me bitter
Call me a pessimist
but just wait till I finish
And really try and get this

Have someone say they’ve loved you from the time you were conceived
Then watch them leave
Have someone plant laughter in your bones and happiness in your veins
And then look them in the eye as they try to explain why they can’t stay

You see

Love Holds hands with bitterness
And clinks drinks with hate
Mingles with jealousy
And flirts with fate
Love likes playing games
ignites burning flames
Invites both your heart and your Brain
But mind you, loves best friend is pain
LOVE is a four lettered word
That doesn’t even begin to measure the magnitude of its worth

Cause you can’t tell me that 4 little letters explains
Why this feeling never goes away
Why I always get a lump in my throat at the sound of his name
Why the memories still reverberate and bring both a smile to my face
But at the same time causes this muscle in my chest to ache

You see L-O-V-E doesn’t make sense to me.

Cause the most hurt stems from the most love
Like how the struggle of giving birth brings to life pure beauty from above
How does something so filling take so much of us
Something so thrilling make such a mess of us
How does it hurt so many but heal the rest of us
How does it bring out both the worst and the best of us
You see L-O-V-E doesn’t cut it for me

Cause they told me That if I loved hard enough
That I would wake up
And it would go back to it being the five of us
But the fairy tales were wrong
Cause my Jimney Cricket, my Mushu, my fairly godmother never came along
And the stories said that love would hold us together
But it never read the forecast about the weather
And wether or not this coming Storm would last forever
But I wanted to keep the happiness and I wanted to hold on to the laughter
And I knew I wasn’t a princess
But I wanted a happily ever after

You see l o v e can’t possibly grasp what it is really.

So I erased it from my vocabulary
Cause trying to understand it was like a maze to me
And the amount of times I heard it used amazed me
Love seemed less of a blessing and more of a catastrophe
And I remember in school those girls would throw that word around like a football
So lightly so often no hesitation no withdrawal
“Thanks for the cookie, you’re the best I love you”
“You did the home work? Yas! I love you!”

And it served as a daily reminder
That “Love” was the funniest joke I ever heard
Cause The word couldn’t leave their lips any faster
Always Drenched in a fresh new coat of plaster
And one day in church I actually paid attention and heard it used by The pastor
And he talked about how God’s love engulfed us in any situation it didn’t matter
And I chuckled cause I knew I knew better
That love was just a combination of 4 random letters
And I wanted to prove myself right
So I started the search
Of flipping page after page reading till my eyes hurt
Trying to read between the lines
and find the different signals and signs
trying to figure out how God defined
This thing that in my mind was so absurd
And Verse after verse the more my lines blurred
Verse after verse the morethe wheels turned
Cause I noticed something that I never noticed at first
like Extreme and Frankie J God knew that it was more than words
That God was the inventor of actions speak louder than words
He knew nouns and adjectives wouldn’t be enough So he stuck to the Verbs

Cause there’s not one verse that read “and God said “I love you.”” Period that’s it
He knew that words could be fabricated
He knew how easy our very lips could counterfeit
So he planted the truth in the things he did

You see For God so loved the world
That he GaVE
He didn’t just say that he could save
He actually came down and saved
He chose to demonstrate you can find that one in Romans 5:8
And he didn’t try too woo me with his words or confuse me with his ways
But instead He chose to wait
He didn’t need to convince me and he didn’t try to win me
Cause the funny thing about the truth is it always finds its way to victory
So God was patient until the day
When I realized that what I needed wasn’t so much spontaneous fate but just a little more faith

I didn’t like the word love
Cause I didn’t know what it meant so when it left my lips I never really meant it.
But it all became so clear to me
why love was such a mystery
It’s because Webster and Miriam gave me the wrong Definition
twisted and distorted, the world made their own rendition
For theres NO greater love than when a man lays down his life.
I was searching scouring the earth when just 3 words would suffice,
Looking left and right when the answer came from above
Believe me when i say 3 words is Enough.
and I’ve been ranting but I’ll leave it at this
believe HIM when he says three words is enough
because three words is enough…

God is love.

writers block

I’m at a lost for words
because I’m at a lost in life.

I don’t know wether I’m flying or sinking
wether I’m dreaming or thinking

I’m running full speed in the clouds
but on the ground I’m stagnant
My soul screaming out loud
but my mouth stays silent

But I’m letting you mold me,
You are the author, you wrote my story
I’m just waiting for the plot to unfold before me
I’m leaping, I’m falling, trusting you to hold me

You found me damaged, because the world destroyed me
But you took my broken story and rewrote it; you restored me

I’m at a lost for words
because I’m at a lost in life.

But Your words give me worth
and your light give me life.

The One

She’s the girl you fall for
But don’t feel the bruises till later
The one that makes it impossible to hate her
The one you swear you’d never like yet somehow she finds
a place to rest in your brain each and every night
She’s the one that you don’t fall in love with at first sight
But like a fine wine
she only gets better with time

Then one day, all of a sudden, you think “Well just maybe I might”

                                          She’s already your ride or die

                                             So it might as well be till death do us part

                                                Cause she’s there in the dark

                                                    And shes there in the light

And you don’t feel bad about bothering her cause she makes you feel alright

 makes you want to make wrong things right

                                           She triggers both fight and flight

                                         Cause you fight like a married couple

                                                         But you take flight at the sound of her name

Let’s just say perfection does in deed have a face

Or at least in your brain

   Cause not everyone sees her the same

         But to you, thru your eyes she’s beyond what you prayed

              She makes you want to stay

         But at the same time pushes you away

Cause her trust issues.. well they’re  on level Drake

 Her name a synonym to heart break

she’s either worth the wait

Or the one that got away

She’s easy to forgive but hard to forget

Slow to anger hard to upset

And she’ll take you on a ride that you won’t regret

                                              But she’s a drug so beware the side effects

                                                    So intricate so complex

                                                          You can try to prepare

                               but she’s nothing you’d expect

                                           And you feel your self falling but you let your self get swept

                                               Like when the Warriors beat the Mavericks in 2007

Beautiful disaster at its best

                                           You just pray that at least your dignity is kept

But her laughter is just so contagious

Her smile makes people wonder what her name is

But you can see it in her eyes the girl knows what pain is

You can feel her heart with the words that she paints with

But her smile might deceive a crowd but it doesn’t fool you

And you’ll tell her when it’s just you two

That she can let her guard down and to talk to you too

And she’ll be bewildered at your notion

A little vulnerable from exposion

A little defensive from emotion

But you’ll give her time

You wait

Cause you remember what your momma told you

That patience is a virtue

That good things come to those that wait

And it wasn’t coincidence that you met her it had to be fate

So you wait

 And you ask her again

And she’ll be bewildered at your notion

A little vulnerable from expotion

A little defensive from emotion

And she’ll want to stay but her human instinct tells her to run away

So you wait

And you’ll ask again and again

wishing that she’d just let you in

But one day she’ll be so tired of running that she’ll  finally let down her guard

She’ll tell you all about how she wants to change the world

and travel to places from here to afar

tell you tall tales about each and every one of her scars

Tell you her dreams and aspirations from the skies to the stars

She’s the girl that has her head in the clouds

But her gravity centered

The one that doesn’t take no for an answer a natural go getter

She’s tough, and she’s fierce in her own way

Yet at the same time delicate; don’t you mistake.

She’s the girl you never say “bye” to, only “see you later”

You’re the Danny to her Sandy

And she’s the The Jesse to your Slater

She’s Childish in the way that brings the Gambino out of you

But she can be elegant and sophisticated when she needs to too

You just stare at her, but not cause she’s a super model but more cause she’s usually doing something dumb

Other times you’ll catch your self glaring wondering wether you should stay or run

Meanwhile here you two are at day break

yet to you she’s more beautiful than the sun

And one day you’ll look at her flaws, faults and imperfection

and you’ll just know that

“She’s the one.”

Mirror Mirror

I know I messed up
and I know I’m messed up

I’ve made mistakes over and over again and I’ve confessed them
  tossed and turned wondering if I’m loved less and
if my actions were mistakes or if they were predestined
      but freewill means its my shame it only makes sense and
        I know I’m just trying to throw the blame to escape the skeletons and
          I say “yeah, yeah, God don’t worry I’ve already learned my lessons“

but then God replies “Pride comes before the fall
so sit down let me teach you, class is in session.
Be still be quiet and actually listen
I made you and already knew you would never reach perfection
but I loved the kinks and quirks that made you a part of my collection
  you are beautiful despite your flaws your mistakes no matter the situation
and I am proud of who you are becoming but PLEASE come to the realization
that I’m not what your used to, I feel your fear and contemplation
you don’t want to let go of what you know but I know you’re hurting,
stop the hesitation.
just let go, let your self fall, have faith, I’ve been waiting to be your salvation
and I’ve always been around, I find it silly that you always doubt my location..
saying ‘God where are you? I want to feel you near’
but Michi, baby girl, this whole time I’ve always been right here”

And growing up in church… I knew all of this.
but knowing something by memory is so much different than truly understanding
and I became so much less than I had imagined
cause I couldn’t get over being abandoned
traded trust for lust and my mistakes left me stagnant

       and I knew what I was doing, I knew it was wrong
but I still did it cause my flesh was strong
                 and my spirit was weak you see,

how can you love someone like me?

I’m tainted and broken
and I’m so far from perfect
I’m luke warm, repulsive
             God I’m not worth it.

but God replies,
“I forgive you, don’t worry, I know you’re hurting.
Your heart aches cause of your faith
keep it up your learning
just keep fighting keep searching
cause your slowly turning
away from the old, the dark
I feel a fire burning

and “I forgive you, I forgive you” I can shout it from the heavens to the earth, across the universe as well
but the real question is not wether I forgive you

but if you forgive yourself. “

Ball Is Life

This might sound insane,
but I’m in Love with the game.

From the shoes on everyone’s feet
to the Nostalgic, relaxing floor squeaks.
The ballers know what I mean; and if you don’t it’s okay
remember Highschool Musical? it’s when Zac Efron gets his head in the game.

And I don’t know if anyone thinks like this,
but basketball is a lot like the game of Life.

There’s an odd dynamic balancing doubt and skills;
Like breaking somones ankles risks the chance of getting ripped
And every time you shoot you either make it or miss

And the people you meet in life are like the players at the courts
Just like life they come in a variety of all kinds of different sorts
You got the ones that look good; got the body type and the height
but put a ball in their hands and (sigh)… Let’s just say reading a book by its cover never works out right

then you got the talkers, oh the talkers, that turn 15 minute pick up games into the length of the whole NBA series.
Who swears they’re Stephen Curry, but can’t shoot threes
And if they makes one it’s lucky
But every time he shoots he always yells “Buckets!”

The one that swears on everything that they can swear on that, “that was a double dribble and that one I swear was a travel, he did this, nah that’s our ball check up”
But tell me not, that same guy misses like every other layup

But let’s not forget the other side of the spectrum
The silent but deadly, under the radar, low key
You can’t see ’em, you can’t stop ’em, and all they do is pop ’em; unspoken perfection.
these are just a few I can mention.

And yes hard work pays off but more often than not its all about who you know
You might be the best but sitting the bench cause the guy with downs and the alright guy are bros.

Just like how mediocrity has found its place with the help of social networking
There are so few working hard and so many hardly working.

And don’t ask me how the love for the game found me
Let alone Asian baller, and on top of that female?
Yeah saying it out loud sounds even more crazy
I should be doing math problems and science experiments too
But instead “I’m saucin’, I’m saucin’, I’m saucin’ on you.”
Ha, but for real Iverson may not have a ring but he’s still winning in the end
‘Cause to this day his name reverberates, my mans a living legend.

And don’t kill me when I say, growing up I never wanted to be “Like Mike”
Yes, his game changers put him in the spotlight
And the man could take flight
But he just wasn’t my type of guy
Spudd Webb, Mougsey Bouges, Nate Robinson, Chris Paul
And if you know these guys they’re not THAT tall.
Much shorter than the rest yet running circles around the best,
You see this is what amazed my young mind
That in this game there was no excuse of any kind
To be any less of a player than any other
I could be the best no matter height, gender, or skin color.

When I realized this I
Started to question and wonder about society
I wanted to break boundaries
So I joined a boys team
And they couldn’t stop me
One time I stole it from a boy and he tackled me and slammed my face into the ground
I got 5 stitches on my eyebrow just because I’m a girl, there’s something wrong with that sound.
the fact that if I were a boy it would’ve been okay
didn’t quite register well in my brain.

Growing older I hated when guys would would take it easy
instead of taking me seriously,
and it bothered me that when I would make the same shot a guy made, the crowd only went wild for me.

As if it were a surprise that a female could do anything a man could
the thought tortured me when I finally understood
Why the cheers were so loud
And what the all the compliments were;
It wasn’t cause I was good, it was cause I’m a girl.

So I fought harder so I wasn’t seen as entertainment
I practiced hard so I could actually be seen as a threat.

The game taught me that sometimes you need to lose in order to taste a win
That no matter how many shots you miss, if you don’t shoot they’ll never go in.
That if you’re not playing you’re waiting
If you’re not living you’re losing
Cause time waits for no one in neither
So you have to put work in order to hit the clutch 3,2,1 buzzer beaters.

That no matter how small I thought I was I could play a huge role
That in order to succeed I had to use body mind and soul
The game taught me at a young age that I should never go with the flow
And to never be satisfied with less, always work for more.

And that what I’m capable of, the world has no say in
Cause God even Said ” with me girl, you can do all things”

So yeah it might sound insane
But I’m in love with the game

The throw back Jordan with “Chicago” in cursive, was my favorite jersey to rock back in the day, 5th grade.
And if you asked me what I wanted to be?
You’d find a small Asian girl with a long thug silver chain say

“I want to be the first girl in the NBA.”

Basic

I am so insignificant 
one in a million
      But not any different

I’m a grain of sand

On your beautiful beach

I’m a guppy in your vast sea

I want more

I thirst for something greater

And the anticipation is killing me

And I want it now not later

But they say good things come to those that wait

But I feel the dark settling and I’m afraid 

Because time waits for no one and I’m stuck in this phase

And I am so insignificant

But you know me by name 

I am so insignificant 

But you showed me grace 

So it’s not so much the patience but more of the faith

you carried my pain

And you’re name is great

I am so insignificant

But with you

I can make a change.

Defibrillator

Someone save me
I just want to be able to breathe

The weight I have to drag with me, doesn’t get any lighter
but I’ve found some distractions to make me feel lighter
somehow escape the pain for a little but then it gets tighter 
knowing I’m in the dark but pretending that its brighter

Caught in this haze daze of a maze I’m amazed I’m not insane
but who really knows the sane from the insane;

they say insane is doing the same thing over
and over again but expecting different results;
and yeah the fog brings me higher after every hit
but drops me harder when the smoke settles.

Denial is something I was always a friend of
reputation always held my defense up
“be cool, be cool” don’t ever tense up
Flesh whispering in my ear not to mess up or fess up

low key this
and low key that
“down for anything”
makes me the coolest cat
or so I thought
but with all the pretending
with all the masks
I somehow misplaced
the things I want back

my identity
I’m foreign to myself; the one person i thought I knew
my dignity
the things about me that helped me make it through
my sanity
reminding me that I myself choose to do the things I do
my serenity
knowing Im at peace, with nothing but the truth

so I’ll exchange my hit for something that brings me higher
something that won’t let my feet touch ground something that isn’t a liar
cause false happiness is false hope and the fakeness is absurd.
I’ll hand you this blunt, and I’ll take the word
’cause I want something out of this world, past the skies, out of this galaxy
I’m reaching for the greatest so I can be who you want me to be

I want to be so high that people start to notice

flare in the dark that draws peoples focus

making people wonder how happiness is achieved

so I can tell them

“someone saved me,
and now I’m able to breathe”

Tie-the-Knot

Peaceful mornings 
Sleep filled nights 
Productive days
Cleared mind

                    Then Along you came

                            Disrupted my pace 

                            And replaced sleep with insanity

                               Cause your beauty, it captures me

                     Your imperfections make you perfect 

                 And I love the way you glance at me

        You’re how I want my days to start 

     Let our adventures commence

                   Till death do us part

                                         you’re my beginning and my end

                             And I know they say to take your time

   But although cliche I can’t wait to make you mine

They say love is blind

 But love is patient love is kind

So today’s the day that I take your hand and you take mine

I vow to cherish and hold you

You vow to stick it through

You look at me I look at you

 I do. I do. I do. 

Sticky Situations

Red and blue wires

hold together the intricate clockwork

that dictates the ticking and the tocking.

The steady beats of this masterpiece;

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Beats up. Beats down.

It’s not something you wind up and watch it play out.

You are the hero and the heroine there’s no way out.

You are the poison and the anti-dote,

the crashing waves and the safety boat.

Mind racing. Slow pacing.

Fast pacing. Time racing.

Which wires to cut, and which ones to keep

What measures to take and what bounds to leap

Just please let me keep my dignity

My self respect, and my sanity

And no matter the consequences, free will only blames me

Cause I decide my own fate and create my own reality

My mind is programmed to push away the ones I need near

And what I want isn’t what I need but I like the feeling of you here.

But take caution I always leave a trail of casualties

I’m a ticking bomb, machine gun; lethality

So keep your distance or beware the fatality

Don’t dare come closer lest you attempt  insanity.

Cause my actions say one thing

But my brain says another

While my soul keeps on running

As my heart aches under pressure

But no one would ever realize

Cause the walls are built high

And my smile keeps security tight,

eyes trained to make everything feel alright.

In the midst of chaos I can be still. I can be light.

And there’s no such thing as visitor privileges;

You either break in or peek in

Trespass or sneak in

Nothing out, only keep in.

Life motto learned from people always leaving.

But somehow you seeped in.

Tiptoed your way around, you creeped in.

Used a cheat code and found your key in.

And I want to run but I’m knee deep in

Good times good laughs and good conversation

finishing each other sentences, we started sharing quotations

But I know this is temporary, you’re like a good vacation

Easy breezy in the moment but then there’s the realization

of reality, gravity, the silent frustration

this high is just a short-lived tingling sensation

Cloud 9 is actually only a figment of our imagination

’cause happy endings don’t come from sticky situations.

Technical

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

I would be lying if I said that it

didn’t bother me

Cause we all know it did

And I know I’m grown

But I still feel like a kid

And the scars have healed over

But the memories still

Linger and reverberate

They Haunt me at will

Day dreams nightmares

Oh, If thoughts could kill

I’d be a danger to humanity

Straight insanity

and ONE scene replays over and over and over

A close rendition to the definition of torture

I’m running, I’m gasping, I’m reaching, but taken down by force

I want to look away, but I stay, I can’t take this any more

Watching my memories resurface,

Things start out blurry but slowly come into focus

It’s like watching a movie that has already been seen

I know the lines, the plot and what’s happening

But it never fails to get me every single time,

Air leaves my lungs tears fill my eyes

As I beg my brain and my heart to let me loose

Cause the scene I hate the most is coming up soon

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

You and I both never really could make it

But for some odd reason I always expected.

I held a false perception cause I couldn’t take the truth

Pre-game thoughts and jitters as I laced up my shoes

Random glances at the stands always hoping I’d see you

Where expectation left the stage

And disappointment never missed it’s cue.

I remember every game I would think “this is gonna be the one”

Where he shows up and I hear him cheering me on

And no matter what the score was I’d feel like I won

Cause lets be real, thats all kids really want

is to make their parents proud, and to feel like they’re worth something

I’d play my heart out and make a million steals just to make your trip worth coming

But I never really got the chance

Cause you never made it to the stands

And yeah I love my siblings and especially my mom

But you always said,  that you were my biggest fan.

---

And like you would always tell me

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Once God helped me back on my feet

all I could do was conquer

So yeah I still love you dad even if the memories sometimes bother

God got your back he let me call him father.

And he’s teaching me to forgive and forget.

I got the forgive down it’s just hard to forget

But don’t worry Were all working on it

And I still hope and pray for the day where we both don’t miss

Bounce bounce dribble shoot swish

Bounce bounce dribble shoot swish