Mirror Mirror

I know I messed up
and I know I’m messed up

I’ve made mistakes over and over again and I’ve confessed them
  tossed and turned wondering if I’m loved less and
if my actions were mistakes or if they were predestined
      but freewill means its my shame it only makes sense and
        I know I’m just trying to throw the blame to escape the skeletons and
          I say “yeah, yeah, God don’t worry I’ve already learned my lessons“

but then God replies “Pride comes before the fall
so sit down let me teach you, class is in session.
Be still be quiet and actually listen
I made you and already knew you would never reach perfection
but I loved the kinks and quirks that made you a part of my collection
  you are beautiful despite your flaws your mistakes no matter the situation
and I am proud of who you are becoming but PLEASE come to the realization
that I’m not what your used to, I feel your fear and contemplation
you don’t want to let go of what you know but I know you’re hurting,
stop the hesitation.
just let go, let your self fall, have faith, I’ve been waiting to be your salvation
and I’ve always been around, I find it silly that you always doubt my location..
saying ‘God where are you? I want to feel you near’
but Michi, baby girl, this whole time I’ve always been right here”

And growing up in church… I knew all of this.
but knowing something by memory is so much different than truly understanding
and I became so much less than I had imagined
cause I couldn’t get over being abandoned
traded trust for lust and my mistakes left me stagnant

       and I knew what I was doing, I knew it was wrong
but I still did it cause my flesh was strong
                 and my spirit was weak you see,

how can you love someone like me?

I’m tainted and broken
and I’m so far from perfect
I’m luke warm, repulsive
             God I’m not worth it.

but God replies,
“I forgive you, don’t worry, I know you’re hurting.
Your heart aches cause of your faith
keep it up your learning
just keep fighting keep searching
cause your slowly turning
away from the old, the dark
I feel a fire burning

and “I forgive you, I forgive you” I can shout it from the heavens to the earth, across the universe as well
but the real question is not wether I forgive you

but if you forgive yourself. “

Defibrillator

Someone save me
I just want to be able to breathe

The weight I have to drag with me, doesn’t get any lighter
but I’ve found some distractions to make me feel lighter
somehow escape the pain for a little but then it gets tighter 
knowing I’m in the dark but pretending that its brighter

Caught in this haze daze of a maze I’m amazed I’m not insane
but who really knows the sane from the insane;

they say insane is doing the same thing over
and over again but expecting different results;
and yeah the fog brings me higher after every hit
but drops me harder when the smoke settles.

Denial is something I was always a friend of
reputation always held my defense up
“be cool, be cool” don’t ever tense up
Flesh whispering in my ear not to mess up or fess up

low key this
and low key that
“down for anything”
makes me the coolest cat
or so I thought
but with all the pretending
with all the masks
I somehow misplaced
the things I want back

my identity
I’m foreign to myself; the one person i thought I knew
my dignity
the things about me that helped me make it through
my sanity
reminding me that I myself choose to do the things I do
my serenity
knowing Im at peace, with nothing but the truth

so I’ll exchange my hit for something that brings me higher
something that won’t let my feet touch ground something that isn’t a liar
cause false happiness is false hope and the fakeness is absurd.
I’ll hand you this blunt, and I’ll take the word
’cause I want something out of this world, past the skies, out of this galaxy
I’m reaching for the greatest so I can be who you want me to be

I want to be so high that people start to notice

flare in the dark that draws peoples focus

making people wonder how happiness is achieved

so I can tell them

“someone saved me,
and now I’m able to breathe”

Technical

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

I would be lying if I said that it

didn’t bother me

Cause we all know it did

And I know I’m grown

But I still feel like a kid

And the scars have healed over

But the memories still

Linger and reverberate

They Haunt me at will

Day dreams nightmares

Oh, If thoughts could kill

I’d be a danger to humanity

Straight insanity

and ONE scene replays over and over and over

A close rendition to the definition of torture

I’m running, I’m gasping, I’m reaching, but taken down by force

I want to look away, but I stay, I can’t take this any more

Watching my memories resurface,

Things start out blurry but slowly come into focus

It’s like watching a movie that has already been seen

I know the lines, the plot and what’s happening

But it never fails to get me every single time,

Air leaves my lungs tears fill my eyes

As I beg my brain and my heart to let me loose

Cause the scene I hate the most is coming up soon

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

Bounce bounce dribble shoot brick

You and I both never really could make it

But for some odd reason I always expected.

I held a false perception cause I couldn’t take the truth

Pre-game thoughts and jitters as I laced up my shoes

Random glances at the stands always hoping I’d see you

Where expectation left the stage

And disappointment never missed it’s cue.

I remember every game I would think “this is gonna be the one”

Where he shows up and I hear him cheering me on

And no matter what the score was I’d feel like I won

Cause lets be real, thats all kids really want

is to make their parents proud, and to feel like they’re worth something

I’d play my heart out and make a million steals just to make your trip worth coming

But I never really got the chance

Cause you never made it to the stands

And yeah I love my siblings and especially my mom

But you always said,  that you were my biggest fan.

---

And like you would always tell me

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Once God helped me back on my feet

all I could do was conquer

So yeah I still love you dad even if the memories sometimes bother

God got your back he let me call him father.

And he’s teaching me to forgive and forget.

I got the forgive down it’s just hard to forget

But don’t worry Were all working on it

And I still hope and pray for the day where we both don’t miss

Bounce bounce dribble shoot swish

Bounce bounce dribble shoot swish

True or False

Things that are too good to be true

are like a genie in a bottle you win and you lose

What seems so perfect at first

takes dips and turns

 What seems like the best becomes the worst

But with every Fairy tale comes a curse

So who’s to say if the risk is worth

The waiting debating and the contemplating

The tossing and turning

I guess it’s all part of living and learning

And you’d think I’d be able to spot these by now

But we all have our weaknesses and I let my guard down

So it’s too late I’m vulnerable at best

With a mind that won’t rest

Trying to make sense from the senseless

A damsel in distress

Except there’s no prince to save me

Cause I’m not a princess

 I am my own insanity

Self destructive at best

Things that are too good to be true

Are funny cause you know what your getting into

But you let yourself fall even if you knew

Pretending you don’t know what to do

Naive to reality

Blind brutality

And you try so hard not to lose your balance

But words are so deceiving

And actions are misleading

And when your heart and brain aren’t agreeing

 your inner being takes a beating

Things that are too good to be true

Always find their way to me

But I always give the benefit of the doubt

So falling has become routine to me

Cause bad habits don’t die easy

And the fairy tales are real to me

but it’s taking a toll on my soul

And I’m getting pretty weary too

Ground so grey but sky so blue

So I’ll keep my head up and try to avoid

The Things that are too good to be true.

Peaceful Frustration

Off my feet, come sweep me.

Spoil me, make me feel like a lady

But beware my hard exterior and tight security

Let me explore your core and my “no” might become a “maybe”

I’m not one to trust

My scars are to blame for that

And I’m so easy to fool

The fairy tales are to blame for that

Your mind is my playground,

Your thoughts are my puzzle pieces.

Swing, swing don’t let me down;

Grooves find their places until you’re completed

silent admiration, intricate complexion

I’ll admire your beauty for but a few seconds.

Then you’ll scramble in fear

I’ll scramble in fear

Cause our scars remind us that comfort never stays here

And people never stay near

And happy endings, well they only happen on the TV screen

But we both know that, that will never be you, and that will never be me.

Cause you’re not a prince and I’m not a princess

And stories like that aren’t meant for people like us

But I still hope and dream and even pray

That the scars will be silenced and I can send security away

But in the mean while I’ll just keep my hopes high.

In the mean while I’ll lay back and keep my eyes to the sky.

‘Cause to be honest it’s relaxing remembering the beauty of peace

Us humans love chaos so much we forget the simple things

So I’ll count stars and surf waves,

Stitch my wounds time to start the mending

And maybe if I stop looking I’ll just fall into a fairy tale ending.

Fear The Beard

Fear; an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Its crazy that what gets to us is what we let get
The seen and unseen the stories we don’t forget
The things we’ve done and the things that we have yet

Fear; even with definition it’s hard to understand this
but this is how I think of it, the boogieman still exists…
But he’s relocated from underneath my bed
to the crevices of the Golgi inside of my head
planting seeds of doubt, seeds of despair,
seeds of worry, seeds that wear and tear
on the strings of my heart they play me like a puppet,
not reaching not risking I’m scared straight I’m stagnant

It follows every move I make it surrounds me
crawling into my thinking space like a venom slowly but fastly
and the bigger I let it get the less control I have and
Peter Parker and Spiderman even needed a hand

 Darkness; pitch black, silence, bring out the ghosts
From the past the present, future, and the unknown

I am my own monster
I invented the fear
that I now must conquer

It’s all in my mind, fear is a paradox
I am trapped in a cage that has the door unlocked
All I need to do is stand up and get out
God please protect me right now
’cause my mind is my poison and you’re the antidote
Give me peace calm emotions I cant do it alone

 The disciples trembled mid storm for their life
Esther was threatened by the man on the kings right
Daniel was so scared his knees were knocking side to side
David was challenged by someone 4x his height

But…..

David took 3 rocks and slayed goliath
Daniel threw a slumber party with the lions
Peter walked on water in a raging storm eyes held high
Esther saved a whole nation of people by risking her life
And lets not forget the fear conquered by your son Jesus Christ

Fear; an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Fear; an emotion that evidence shows can be taken away and erased by the Almighty God, give them to him and he’ll take care of it.

Perception Deception

Everyone I know always says that I’m “strong”

It’s crazy to see
what people see
and perceive
Compared to the real reality….

I am weak.

I still feel like that 13-year-old girl curled up in a ball
walls of trust built high, strong, and tall
scared to explore, but more scared of the fall
while at the same time trying to hold on to it all…
the memories, The heart to heart talks, the teary eyed laughter
the Fatherly advice, the road trips, it was always Family Forever.
and thats all i wanted, for us to be together
rain or shine; be together
home or homeless; be together
all I wanted was to be together.
But the tighter my grip, the more things seemed to dismantle
The faster I seemed to move the more I was at a stand still.

And i prayed and prayed and prayed that my dad would choose to stay
cause i knew deep down inside that nothing would ever be the same

And i never thought MY dad would ACTUALLY leave
a thought maybe to beg and plea
maybe to say please
or get down on my hands and knees

But I didn’t. paralyzed i just watch him go
Thinking i would be ok alone
thinking i could do it on my own

Everyone I know always says that I’m “strong”
It’s crazy to see
what people see
and perceive
compared to the real reality…
You all were WRONG.

I am weak,

But He is STRONG.

Enigma.

How do I display him thru my life
When he is incomprehensible?
How do I wrap my head around
Something so unexplainable

How do I show something that you cannot see?
His Love  more vast than any ocean and deeper than any sea
All the stars in the night sky doesn’t even begin to measure his majesty
And every sunset is but the beginning of his beauty
His presence more gigantic and much greater than our galaxy
How can I, how can I, how can I, show you  that with one word he brings me to my knees
How with  two hands
He Made the blind to see
and with three nails he broke our chains and set us all free
How can I, how can I, how can I,
Show you all the lives he changed
All the dead ends that were exchanged
For lives that are rearranged
And All the souls that were saved
How can I, how can I, how can I,
Explain to you and make you understand
That we are but only man.
And we are all slowly sinking in quick sand
Running out of time, running out of breath, running out of life,
and we just need to reach for his outstretched hand
Do you not really understand
That this royal noble God, became a mere man
Left the clouds in heaven to walk on land

No I don’t really think you get
that he saved A queen from death
Gave A dead man his breath
told Peter have faith and don’t fret

Not only did he walk on water
the father less call him father
and even if I’m no where near perfect he took me in as his very own daughter

The only man that ever lived up to the hype
My god my father destroyed the stereotype
a fisherman without a net
He made HIS story history so that we would not forget
that no matter how many times I fault fail and flee
He still loves me
No matter the distance I’ve drifted out at sea
He still loves me
No matter how messed up cracked and damaged I might be
He still loves me

So I give up on trying to paint you a picture
Of everything that goes on in here and here
I’m done with trying to make you
Believe in something that you can not see
Go ahead believe modern day society
But when you’re alone, thinking and feeling kinda empty
Just remember
That he doesn’t just love me
And he’s waiting arms open, rain or shine, 24/7, for you
To be part of the fams so he can love on you too.